A huge chunk of my consciousness in this life is supposed to take place inside this cubicle in which I sit each weekday all day long. I don't know why this is. (Of course I don't know why this is. I don't know why anything is. And neither do you.)
It is frustrating. I do not want to be here. At all. It is like a gentle version of prison. My own temperament is what is causing me this suffering. I know this. Another person would love to be sitting here in this cubicle a lot. And here's the kicker – I used to be that other person who loved sitting here a lot. When did I become ungrateful? Why would I become ungrateful?
It is a lot of things really. Here's a couple; first the job that I am currently at is NOT the job that I started at here 3 years ago. We do the same kind of work, we are still the same company, but nothing about it is the same. And the biggest part of the change is the lack of enthusiasm and energy that I was hired into initially. When I first started working here we were all positive, growing hopeful. And now we are all just cogs – getting by. And the designers are the worst of all. They are the foundation of what we do and each one of them is a non-caring, complacent baby.
Yes, we are still here, and we're still alive and plodding along – so a big yay for us really and truly. But…..
This leads me to my second point; I desire more from my life. This is just straight up balls out self induced suffering. Rid desire – rid suffering. But what are we without desire? Just lumps of putrefying happiness?
I could probably live with that.
